Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
