I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
