you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
