dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
