went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
