I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
