This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
