I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
