Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
