also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
