No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
