i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
