No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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