did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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