Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
