I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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