farters have to be the big spoon...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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