You're completely useless in the revolution.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
