Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
