how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
