I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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