i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
im six kinds of drunk right now
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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