Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
