You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
