"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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