I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
