I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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