I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
