I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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