I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
