sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
