It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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