Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
