Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
