Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
