Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
