Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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