can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
