i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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