what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
