it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
