He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
