Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
