Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
