Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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