Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
