Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
