ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
