feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
