I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
