Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
